We cared about each other and very much wanted to be together but couldn’t. We lived in different states, but when he came to my state for work, we would go out to dinner. Fast forward to four years ago, and he told his wife during an argument that he wanted to be intimate with me and had a chance to make moves on me but didn’t. I had no idea this conversation between them ever happened or that he wanted to make moves.
She got enraged and called me several times, yelling at me. I had no idea what happened between them or what she was talking about. I finally called him and said that all contact between us needs to stop. Unbeknownst to me, he deleted my contact information. He went ahead and moved out.
Fast forward to today, four years later, I was in the city where he works (in Massachusetts) and I called him. He was so happy to hear from me and told me all the details of his breakup — which he says I had absolutely nothing to do with. I believe him, as he was unhappy the entire marriage. He said the month before he joined an online dating service and just started dating someone.
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Now that he is single, he has an opportunity to date me (he has been so into me for 20 years?), and now he has not even made any effort to see me, let alone date me. I’m totally surprised. Was he only wanting to have sex with me? Is he not that into me?
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I’d really like to date him. I still really like him and want to get to know him better and be in a relationship with him. We were friends for 20 years! Should I try to pursue him more? Ask him out to dinner? Should I just forget about him? I really want to be with him. What should I do going forward?
TORN GIRL FROM MASSACHUSETTS
A. You could text something like, “It was great to catch up. If you ever want to take me on a real first date, let me know. I think I would like that.”
Then the ball is in his court.
In terms of your history together, maybe he was into you for 20 years. It’s also possible he liked you on-and-off for six or seven of those years, got divorced, and then needed time to figure out what he wants for the rest of his life.
It’s great/healthy that he didn’t try to jump into a relationship with you the second after he moved out. Also, these last four years have probably changed him.
Now he’s dating someone new and might like her. Understand that he needs to see it through.
Do not sign up to be his confidant or best friend — because that’s not what you want. Just be honest and tell him you’re hoping for a chance to try what wasn’t possible before.
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You don’t know if you want to be in a relationship with him yet, by the way. You haven’t had a real first date, with both of you single. Everything’s different now. This was a reset.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You’re the one who insisted on breaking off all contact, and now you’re surprised that “he has not made any effort to see me.” And I doubt he started online dating only a month ago. If he was really interested in dating you there’s no way he would share that. Take the hint. Or just shoot your shot. Your choice, but be aware that disappointment is the most likely outcome.
EMPRESSETHEL
There’s a reason you’ve been content to remain in a state of unrequited love for someone you couldn’t be with and it’s not because you ever wanted a relationship or a fling with him and his flawed humanity. His emotional and physical unavailability were his primary charms.
AULDYIN
He’s single, he knows you’re single. You asked for no contact, and he honored that. He’s seeing someone else. You initiated contact. If he’s interested he’ll call you back. No chasing, no begging, no hinting, no wheedling, no confrontation. That’s all.
WIZEN
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
